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That Brick Wall Has Come Back

There comes a time in your life that you have to stop. You have to stop counting the calories stop worrying about how you look, cut back on going to the gym cause you feel that your life revolves round the gym and eating and am I doing this right or that right. You feel like you just want to live. But I don’t mean by feeling like you need to return to the old ways. I mean to just stop and smell the roses and let life catch up with you..

I have been going to the gym now twice a day for a while I have gotten into my size 14 jeans and my size 16 top. I felt that I had to keep pushing myself to get to the next step. When really all I need to do and stop and smell the roses. Well in my case stop and let my body catch up. Let my body and mind decide on whether it can handle being this size do I really need to go down to a size 12 and 14.. am I just grasping at a battle of when I get down to that size can I sustain being at that size when right now I not sure if i can even sustain being at this size.

I have also found that going to the gym twice a day is cutting into other aspects of my life. Especially my children’s. Even though they come with me and one works out when she wants to I feel it is time to take a step back and only go once a day. During term time and twice a day during school holidays. This will not only give me time to get stuff done I need to but also give me the chance for my body to see if it can handle being at this size. Almost like a maintenance.

Life has been hectic I have handed in my second to last assignment, and I am also wondering what next 3 years I have been studying, I have put a lot of time and effort into these courses. I am one that likes to be doing things and I am not sure what direction to take now.

I know I have to stop and smell the roses for a while where I get to enjoy my children and my hobbies and just life in general I am on a couple of committees but they don’t take up to much of my time.

I also know that I suffer from depression I have spent the last few years working on issues. Every now and then I go through a really bad patch and yet every time I stop to look at why I am the way I am. I am then able to work through and get back on track.

I also was on the depo and I have come off it. I am finding my body is unbalanced and it is working through things on its own accord. I have to let my body do what it needs to do.

My shoulder still has moments where I have to rest it so it can get better.

So I have lots going on I try to be strong on the outside but often am crying on the inside.

But one thing I do know is where I am a much knowledgeable person and that makes me strong to be able to get through things that can feel like a mountain at times.

I have also had to over come a huge obstacles in my life, it is not till recent that I have come to realise that my school days were no good. Which I knew they weren’t but not till recently when I have been teaching my children how bad the situation was. I am having my second education also. It is heart breaking to see me struggle with stuff. I soon get it and I can teach the children. But it is hard to sit there knowing how dumb you have been over the years. I am increasing my knowledge to help the children in their schooling and I know I know a lot of stuff. But I also feel like I have wasted so much time.  I know the saying you only get one life but it is not till recent that I realise how important that saying is.. as I sit here as a 35-year-old and am winging my way through life I have decided I want better.

So as you can see I have been dealing with a lot of stuff having good days and bad days but just trying to find the balance of life.


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