Not sure how to write this but will do my best. For a long time I struggle with depression it started off with post natal and then just steam rolled into just plain old depression. I thought I could battle it myself which I have done really well the exercise is a great for making my endorphins swim through my body and making me happy.
When I first embarked on this journey of self discovery, of who I am and where I am wanting to head, one can never foresee the future, one can set goals and aim to sort their frame of mind out.
I have read stories of people leaving their pasts behind, or people who have woken up one morning to realise they have pushed everyone away in sorting themselves out. Well I was at the gym before and I was seeing a group of girls there having a lovely time having a great laugh and realised my god I have not done that in such a long time just to have a good laugh with some friends.
My life since I split with my ex about 5 years ago as been depression, partying, night clubbing, my children, then it became, Autism, I am a mum of an Autistic boy and that has led my life in a way that I thought it never would. You close one door for me that was clubbing etc and I found the Autism door, you get a child with special needs in your house and you don’t realise how much of an impact it puts on a family unit, you can see it I have seen it for years and thought I understood, But really I had no clue what they would truly be going through. Even now I still don’t know what others go through as I have a great boy and is improving slowly. You could almost say that he started us on this healthy eating, he has such a limited diet as he wont eat certain stuff and he is allergic to other stuff, so makes it hard, but I started to read labels, that is when of course as you do start to meet other families and parents and it was another mother of a children with various needs introduced me to Richard my PT.
I also don’t really know how to do the friendship thing it is hard when I don’t understand the rules of that, so that makes it hard to have friends in the first instance. I have always been a loner and during my growing up it was hard to have friends I just followed like a sheep, but I am older now and I can see what having friends can be like. I feel like I am looking in from the outside as always. I always used to think how cool it would be to have lots of friends when in reality all you need is one good one..
Well back to where I was heading, I have worked through a lot of stuff over the last few years, I have come far but as I am sitting here about to do my second to last assignment for my Intro to management course.
I am left wondering how do people become a better person and still have friends, good friends, a friend that they can call when the chips are down, or to hang out with when their kids are at their dads,
My life has had big changes in it i become that gym freak that I vowed I never would,
So here I sit with my new life my new body, fitter and healthier, money almost under control, happy kids.
But friendless I have acquaintances and they all on Face book, but I don’t actually have people to hang out with as in a friendly let’s go for coffee kinda way etc. I then wonder what is a friend has the word friend changed from what I grew up thinking a friend is. Is having people you have never meet but you short moments through status’s on the likes of Facebook and why is it so much easier to chat through there than to actually have to deal with people in real life. Oh the questions that surround the whole friendships thing is horrendous.
How could I not see this happening, I do know I was so wrapped up in me and my kids making sure they were fine and I was being sorted, and I do know it was easier to have people away from me whilst I did it.
I am a much stronger person now for it I am more confident, knowledgeable and wiser and I know what I want but I am still friendly I still want to have a laugh just like the girls in the gym.
Kinda makes me feel sad that I have come out the other side (even though I am still doing) with no actual friends.
Please remember this is my story this is my thoughts if you are on a self discovery journey yours will be different to mine, everybody is different, putting plans into place to that there is time for you and your friends is really important, to remind them that they are still needed in your life.
P.S if people read this and know me, this is how I feel..